Old Acquaintance
Posted on | December 31, 2009 | 5 Comments
Out with the old, in with the new. It’s New Year. A time for parties and resolutions and bloody Jools Holland. A time for review-of-the-year shows and for drunks telling you that next year will be better for them. A time for bells ringing and people singing. A time of fireworks and pipers and a billion text messages from people you only hear from twice a year.
And, at the risk of sounding like one of those arses from Grumpy Old Men, I don’t really see the point.
I used to think New Year was more of a big thing. In my youth, as the old year drew to a close, I used to get either very happy or very sad – generally depending on the proximity of someone willing and kissable. I used to brave the bars and the nightclubs and the parties, squeezed together with the drunk and the really drunk and those ones that just dribbled. I used to do all of this and more.
Then I realised two things:
- New Year is really just an arbitrary date that has gained some sort of significance in the popular psyche due, possibly, to our innate desire to mark the close of things that we don’t care for and to fool ourselves that the simple transition from one day to the next means all our woes will be magically transformed into good luck and solid gold puppies.
- I was a twat.
Armed with this knowledge (and the knowledge I’d always had about fireworks – they’re just coloured sparks in the sky, people), I put aside new-year’s things and simply got on with stuff.
Having said that, although I won’t be venturing out to pipe-in Hogmanay, I am celebrating the new year in my own manner by forcing my wife to make me a bread and butter pudding.
Remember – as that leering, stinking inebriate tries to tongue you on the stroke of midnight – that I’ll be having bread and butter pudding.
And custard.
I do sound like one of those Grumpy Old Men people, don’t I? At least tell me it’s not Rory McGrath.
Christmas Past
Posted on | December 30, 2009 | 4 Comments
As the wind hurls its more miserable and wetter brother, the rain, against my attic windows, I sit and consider the Christmas season just passed. All in all, it wasn’t too bad.
A rather splendid Christmas dinner at my in-laws began the Christmas Waist Expansion in earnest. Over the next few days, much beer was consumed and the entire second season of Saxondale was viewed on a dark, tea and chocolate-filled afternoon. In a Caligula-like moment of decadence I scoffed a big bowl of tiramisù while lying in bed. Possibly not my proudest moment.
I also got to chat with some friends that I don’t see often and, from one of those splendid fellows, I acquired this lovely little thing:
Isn’t it cool? It’s a Halina 35X. Despite that it looks quite snazzy, it’s actually a Hong Kong cheapie from the late 50’s and is probably worth less than the cost of processing the roll of 35mm film that I’ll be putting in.
Before any shooting or processing can occur, however, it needs some TLC. The shutter seems to work just fine, as does the winding mechanism. The inside could use a damn good cleaning (to avoid scratching up the film) and ditto for the lens. The big problem, though, is that the lens barrels are really stiff. This probably means I’ll need to take it apart and lube it up (no Carry On jokes, please).
Why on earth would I want to dismantle and reassemble a forty or fifty year old camera in order to shoot actual film when I have a perfectly good digital SLR? If you have to ask, you’ll never know. Look at it. It may be cheapie and it may need a lot of work and I will have to pay to process any images I take but, look at it. It’s a thing of beauty.
And I’m a geek.
Tags: camera > Christmas > Halina 35X > Saxondale
The Day After Christmas
Posted on | December 26, 2009 | 2 Comments
It is the day after Christmas and I’m in a bit of a weird mood. I suspect one of two things:
- My spleen has secreted excess humour – a black bile if you will – that has brought on a bout of melancholia.
- I’m getting fed up with the Christmas experience of staying at my folks.
This leaves me with two possible courses of action:
- It’s quite probable that a course of leeches and blood-letting will clear up the issue. Failing that, drilling a hole in my skull should allow a means of egress for any demons therein.
- I could just go hide away from all familial interaction and read this splendid book that Santa brought.
It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year…
Posted on | December 25, 2009 | Comments Off on It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year…
…Not really, of course. It’s just Christmas.
That being the case however, it seems traditional to offer some sort of Yuletide greeting to people – even weird, internet strangers who, more than likely, are reading this naked, smeared in goose-fat while performing strange, unsavoury acts with Toblerones and turkey-basters.
So then, filthy internet-people, have yourselves a merry Christmas, Hanukkah, winterval, fourth-day-after-solistice, holly-flagellation-day or whatever you happen to celebrate.
Ho ho ho and whatnot. I’m off to get drunk and shout at my family.
Tags: Christmas > Internet > toblerone
The Problem With LEDs
Posted on | December 23, 2009 | Comments Off on The Problem With LEDs
My itty-bitty bit of flash fiction, The Problem With LEDs, has been published over at Metazen.
It will also appear in the Metazen Christmas Story Book which is being sold for charity. If you pop over and donate more than 15 Canadian dollars (via PayPal) on Metazen, you will receive a printed copy of the book. Smaller donations receive a PDF version of the book. All of the proceeds are donated to the Sunrise Children’s Villages Charity in Cambodia so you get a snazzy book and help a good cause. Everyone’s a winner.
Tags: Flash Fiction > metazen > The Problem With LED's
All Change
Posted on | December 22, 2009 | 4 Comments
As you may have noticed, if you’ve visited before, I have changed things considerably around here. Out is the old, grungy look and in is clean and crisp. It’s this season’s hottest new thing. Probably.
Truth be told, I got pretty fed up with the old look ages ago but just didn’t get around to doing anything about it. Finally made the time and this is the result. I may be tweaking minor things over the next week or two so don’t worry if things seem a little transitory around here.
Also, I hope to occasionally update the script in the banner with new epic tales. Cast an eye up there from time to time.
A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases. Why, it’s like Keats anticipated my blog redesign.
What do you think?
Simon Pegg doesn’t like fast-moving zombies either
Posted on | December 14, 2009 | Comments Off on Simon Pegg doesn’t like fast-moving zombies either
Forgive the poor quality but I was too lazy to do anything but take a picture of the drawing with my iPhone. What do you want? I don’t have Gary Larson’s money and time. Or his commitment or talent.
Tags: slugs > zombies
Middle-aged
Posted on | December 8, 2009 | 4 Comments
I am no longer a young man. I’ve been aware of this for some time but it is occasionally driven home to me.
Like now.
Two beery nights and I’m a floppy, husk of a man. Two nights with too little sleep and too much beer and I look like the long-dead corpse of a wizened nonagenarian who died from some sort of wasting, insomniac condition and was buried in a cardboard coffin, in a bog, for one hundred and forty-six years before being reanimated by some weird, zombification process involving sucking all fluids from the body and replacing them with Nutella and dust.
I feel almost exactly like that too.
It’s a young man’s game, this beering.
Grumpy
Posted on | December 4, 2009 | 3 Comments
Today has been a grumpy day. For reasons I won’t go into, and that were no one person’s fault, a train of annoying events was set in motion as the cosmos continued its spiteful vendetta against me.
I spent most of the afternoon grumping around the house, scowling and moaning to myself. I secreted myself away from familial company (for their own good) and mainly browsed around the internet, complaining under my breath at much of what I read there.
As afternoon turned to evening, guilt got the better of me and I thought I’d try to do some work. I began scripting a sit-com that I’ve been playing-with and plotting for a while now. My bad mood hampered things though and, at best, I now have four pages of a sit-grump.
On the plus side, an inadvertent typo gave rise to my coining a new word:
Sarcastoic
noun, a person who can endure hardship with little complaint but with considerable grumpy sneering.
adjective: having or showing sarcastoic qualities.
That’s it. That’s the best thing that’s happened me today.
Stupid cosmos.
Guitarless
Posted on | November 20, 2009 | Comments Off on Guitarless
Sharing time.
For the last month or so, I’ve been poking around, trying to get a blog up and running. Now, I know what you’re thinking – maybe you could spend a bit more time posting here, Hayes.
And you’d be right.
Still though, I now have yet another distraction to prevent me from updating stuff here.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Guitarless.
The aim is for this to be a guitar newsy, reviewsy, how-toosy type of blog thing (and basses too, of course). For the last month and a bit I’ve been steadily adding content, tweaking things and whatnot – generally pushing buttons and twiddling knobs. Now I need to start pimping it a bit.
So then. Do you know any guitary, bassy people? Tell them about it. Tell everyone about it – even if they’re not interested and shout at you to go away. Tell them. “Guitarless.com,” you must shout, “go to guitarless.com to see all the wonderful things!” Then remind them to click on an advert and buy something while they’re there so I can become one of those dot com billionaires I’ve been hearing about.
So, off you go then. Tell them!
- Web: guitarless.com – or link here.
- Twitter: guitarless – or link here.
- Facebook: Search for Guitarless – or link here.
Visit, follow, be my fan, Digg, frigg – whatever it is you kids are doing on the computers these days. I am needy and desperate and will return your love in my own special way (probably involving squatting in the bushes outside your house with a jar to collect hairs from your bin).
Don’t delay, visit today.
Tags: bass > blog > get rich slowly > guitar > Guitarless
Gerry Hayes
I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and deride my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.
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