Stare Into Space

I Want My Cheesy Horror Film

If you wait too long to watch the cheesy horror film you DVRed a year ago, UPC might alter their subscription packages, without asking or telling, and restrict access to the recorded content that’s actually residing on the hard drive in your sitting room. I didn’t change the subscriptions, you did. Stupid UPC.

Damn you, Universe!

The Universe and I rarely see eye to eye. I’d have followed the five-second rule if there weren’t jagged shards of porcelain everywhere. Stupid Universe. Now I’m having cake for lunch.

The Ague

I am unwell. I am afflicted with Ghastly Belly Fever. This is as bad as it sounds. Worse in fact. I am as weak as a, particularly pale and wan, Georgian fop, with barely strength to lift a lace handkerchief. Had I the energy, I would beat my sickly and frail body with fists of […]

Attention Dog-Owners

I’m not sure if I’ve said this before—it’s certainly something I’ve threatened offline. Dog-owners: I am going to start carrying a disposable rubber-glove in my pocket wherever I go. When I see you out walking your dog and pausing to let that dog shit on the footpath, I’m going to pop on the glove, pick […]

I’m A Star, Dammit

I am angry. Yesterday, my daughter (who’s six years old) took part in a performance staged by the drama group she attends. This group is run by a stage school organisation that has a lot of members around the city. The ages of the kids that attend run from about four to mostly mid-teens. And […]

Your Opinion Does Not Matter

I have just read a news story on the BBC’s site.  As you can see, it’s linked but for those of you too lazy to bother clicking through, the condensed version is ‘according to a YouGov poll, 69% of people questioned want live voting to alter storylines in TV shows’. People want to have a […]


Today has been a grumpy day. For reasons I won’t go into, and that were no one person’s fault, a train of annoying events was set in motion as the cosmos continued its spiteful vendetta against me. I spent most of the afternoon grumping around the house, scowling and moaning to myself. I secreted myself […]


Very little sleep last night.  Wife and daughter have colds.  Daughter not too bad but wife ‘at death’s door’ apparently. Last night she woke up and started groping noisily around her bedside locker for Strepsils.  She found them eventually and rattled the rattly blister-pack trying to get one out, eventually succeeding.  Then she dropped the […]

Heels: Dragged

I am the quintessential procrastinator.  That Hamlet bloke has nothing on me.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I know I should be doing something a little more worthwhile (relatively speaking at least) and yet I don’t. Instead I do other things.  I drink lots of tea.  I stare out of the window for […]


Graeme, over at Tokyo Music and (I think) the wonderfully titled, James Blunt Must Die was good enough to comment on one of my recent rants – the one about morons not being allowed to vote. He put me in mind of a long-held belief of mine that, as far as Homo sapiens is concerned, […]

Gerry Hayes

Gerry Hayes

I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and deride my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.

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    • Proper scientists tell us the most pissed off you get, the more you want to eat all the cakes. Christ, I want cake.
    • Everybody finds Caravaggios but me. Where's my bloody Caravaggio? Lost 'Caravaggio' painting found in French attic
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    • I find Tattoo Fixers utterly compelling viewing.
    • Peppa Pig’s vile Animal Caste System continues to disgust me. Condemn this mammal-centric regime!
    • Frequently wonder what the point of democracy is. Looking forward to the day I can seize power and oversee my Mostly Benevolent Dictatorship
    • Dude… Check it out. I totally swiped his helmet.
    • I’ve been watching this Disclosure movie. This “virtual reality” thing seems to be the future. I may invest.
    • I know it’s January but I just noticed Santa’s expression. He seems to have been caught in the act of something.
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