Elf ‘n’ Safety
Posted on | May 20, 2008 | 4 Comments
Someone bumped into me in the canteen and sploshed a good portion of my freshly made Earl Grey over the back of my hand. As the only way to properly drink Earl Grey is sans milk, it was pretty damn hot. I now have sore and scalded fingers.
While I am tough and manly enough to just put up with this, I thought of my fellow customers and decided to have a word with the manager of the place. We talked on the health and safety issues at length and, after considerable discussion, and a threat of legal action on my part, they have agreed that boiling water will only be served at 36.8°C, thereby significantly reducing the risk of accidental scalding.
It may take my colleagues some time to get used to body-temperature tea but I think they’ll eventually agree that it’s a small price to pay for the additional safety benefits.
Well, it’s done
Posted on | May 6, 2008 | 5 Comments
ScriptFrenzy ended on 30th April. I’m sure that you’re all on the edge of your tenterhooks wondering if I managed to finish. Wonder no more. I did. I now have a feature-length script sitting on my hard drive.
One hundred and one pages completed within the allocated thirty days. I am now fully sanctioned to display the ‘winner’ badge on my website or blog and to wander around with a smug, self-satisfied expression.
Of course, the main problem is that I stopped liking what I was writing at somewhere around page 55. I’m not sure if this was because I was lazy, tired, dejected, slightly peckish, or what, but I know that the second half of my script was a real hassle. I know that there is a kernel of a good idea at the heart of the story and I may well just put it aside for a month and come back with fresh eyes and mind, and some biscuits, for a read-through. Possibly there’s something I can salvage. We’ll see.
It was a useful exercise though. I’m glad I did it, even if the script itself is shite and even if Mrs. Jimmy Page’s Trousers got a bit stroppy about my ‘not spending enough time with her’ for the month. Women, eh? I’m going to write her in as some sort of hideous crone in my next project. That’ll learn her.
Down to the wire
Posted on | April 29, 2008 | 3 Comments
ScriptFrenzy update: 92 pages.
That means I have to finish eight pages before midnight tomorrow.
As usual in my life, I’m taking it down to the wire and pulling out all the stops. I’m mixing metaphors with abandon here to indicate the crucial timing issues at stake.
I would say that I do my best work when cramming it in right up to a deadline, but as that’s all I ever do, I’ve nothing with which to compare it.
Eight pages. I’m gonna do it or die trying. Well, I’m gonna do it or get really dejected with my failure and blame my wife for not supporting me sufficiently. I’m sure I can make it her fault if needs be.
What are you supposed to say?
Posted on | April 28, 2008 | 3 Comments
My overtired daughter is currently upstairs, wailing that she ‘wants to be a real fairy’.
Bloody kids.
There are few things worse than a warm pan
Posted on | April 21, 2008 | 5 Comments
Sitting on a public toilet seat that has been pre-warmed by someone else is an unpleasant experience. For me anyway. I’m unable to make-believe that nobody has ever used the toilet before me. The evidence is there, in all its alien warmth.
Worse even than this though, is seeing the person that warmed it exit just before you need to go in. Even if they’re not a filthy grot-bag with arse and thigh-centric skin diseases, I still know what they were doing in there.
I don’t like a warm pan and I certainly don’t like knowing who warmed it.
Script Frenzy Update
Posted on | April 21, 2008 | Comments Off on Script Frenzy Update
I was doing so well. So well.
Last Wednesday night, I reached 53 pages in my Script Frenzy work. As the day before that had been the halfway-mark, I was pretty much back on target. However, I managed to write myself into a plot-hole and I had no idea how to get out of it. Then add the following woes:
On Thursday, I drank a shitload of beer with my brother (somehow managing to pull a muscle in my arm). On Friday, Mrs. Jimmy Page’s Trousers’ aunt stayed over and I got nothing done and. On Saturday and Sunday, I wallowed in self-pity at having no way out of my plot-hole.
The result? I’m behind again.
Last night, in bed, an idea. I have a tenuous, gossamer-thin, filament of a way out of my plot hole so, tonight, I’ll start hanging the entire weight of the second half of the script on that.
Crap.
More rambling nonsense
Posted on | April 13, 2008 | 2 Comments
I feel another semi-drunk stream-of-consciousness post coming on. Can’t be good. Really.
It’s Saturday night though, you see. My wife has popped off to visit her folks and taken my daughter with her. Free gaff! So I made a (spicy as fuck) chilli for dinner and settled down to have a few beers. After watching Pan’s Labyrinth on DVD (really good – really, really good), I’ve ended up watching the poptastic channels.
Had Bonnie Tyler on a few minutes ago. That video with the scary, flying, kid with the shiny eyes. Bleedin’ terrifying. Don’t they know I’m in the house alone?
Whitney Houston. Some set of pipes on her before she got shacked-up, knocked-up, and smacked-up with Bobby. Probably too far off her face to do much these days. I had a bit of a crush on her in the late eighties. Then again, I was in my late teens/early twenties and probably had a crush on everyone.
Four Non-Blondes. Jesus. What’s with the stupid hats and goggles anyway. She looks like some sort of weird cartoon character.
Now we’re talking. Bohemian Rhapsody. What more could a red-blooded, half-pissed man ask for? Not much, that’s what. Maybe a kebab. It’s lucky that those Queen blokes were talented ‘cos they’re not much to look at. A good line in white satin jumpsuits in this video though. Brian May’s got his guitar plugged in with a curly lead. You don’t really get curly leads much any more – for good reason. I kind of miss them though.
Oasis. Oddly, this is the first time I’ve ever seen the video for Don’t Look Back In Anger. I hadn’t realised that poor old Patrick McNee was in it. I could do all the obvious stuff about how Noel nicked his riffs and how Liam’s a wanker but I won’t.
‘Look Back In Anger’ – now there’s a good film. Anything with Richard Burton in it is good by default. And Claire Bloom was a fine-looking woman.
Don McLean’s on now (guess which song). I wonder if they’ll play the whole thing. It seems to be some sort recording of a live show. Huh, they played the whole thing. Who’d have guessed?
Peter Kay. Miming annoyingly to Amarillo. I’d better not get started.
Gloria Gaynor. How does something become a gay anthem? Why is Kylie a gay icon? What exactly is a gay icon? Does my heterosexuality preclude my knowing these things?
Ahhhh, Kylie. Lovely, lovely Kylie.
Bleedin’ Coldplay. Yellow, of course.
Pah, I’m going back to thinking about Kylie.
Mmmmmmmm.
ScriptFrenzy Update
Posted on | April 9, 2008 | 5 Comments
For those of you interested in my ScriptFrenzy journey (and I realise it’s incredibly unlikely that any of you are), I am now twenty pages in. In an odd quirk of mathematics, this means I am also twenty percent finished – aren’t sums funny?
So, one fifth of the way there in output but somewhere more than that in time.
Lets see… Nine days out of thirty… That’s 30/9… No, no… 9/30… Multiplied by 100… Carry the one… Reciprocal venn diagram… Is a function of two trains leaving a station… Solve for X…
Thirty percent, people. Almost a third of the way through in time.
So that’s me with 20% of my output produced in 30% of the available time. This has been a maths-heavy post which has made me tired, so if anyone wants to work out how far behind I am, feel free to post in the comments.
Remember to show your workings though.
It’s not denial
Posted on | April 4, 2008 | 2 Comments
Once again it’s Friday and I’m posting, late at night, after a bundle of beers. Regular readers may well think they have noticed a trend of sorts. To them I say, bollocks. I don’t have a problem, I just love the beer. Yummy, yummy beer.
Anyway, Script Frenzy kicked off on April 1st . I am eight pages in which, considering I’ve only written on two evenings, isn’t too bad. Odds are pretty fair that, on a reasonable reread, I will find that at least 87.5% of those eight pages are utter shite. Still, I am actually writing stuff. This is a good thing. While I’ve written a number of shorts lately, I have yet to tackle the mother of all screen-writing, the feature-length script.
So, eight pages. A minimum of eighty-two to go. Doable.
Probably.
I still have some gaping plot holes with no real ideas of how to Polyfilla them up. While I’m happy enough with my main character and his journey, there are cavernous expanses of uncharted, unknown, unanswered doubt throughout his jaunt. I have dots in an arc shape but I lack curvy lines to join many of them. What I wouldn’t give for a couple of curvy lines.
Melpomene, I need you now. You’re the only one for me, babe. That Thalia thing was just a fling. It meant nothing. Less than nothing. Come on. You’re still my girl Mel, aren’t you? Hello? Mel?
Aww crap.
Hi-jinks
Posted on | April 3, 2008 | 2 Comments
Pints.
Many, many pints.
Went to see a Steely Dan tribute band last night. They were actually quite good. All very talented. Went with The Brother and a friend that I hadn’t seen in ages. All thoroughly enjoyable stuff.
Pints before. Pints during.
Then popped along to a late bar. Discovered that some friends of mine were gigging there. Nice surprise.
Pints.
More pints.
Kebab.
Fell asleep in the taxi home. Brother stayed over. Couple of beers and some music at home.
Tired now. So very tired.
« NEWER Entries — OLDER Entries »Gerry Hayes
I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and deride my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.
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