Stare Into Space

Ghost Clock

Some kitchen alterations meant we had to move the wall clock. Now, though, bloody muscle-memory means I never have a clue what time it is as I keep staring, in confusion, at a bare wall. It’s been more than a month and there’s no sign I’ll adjust. I wear a watch. In every other room […]

Siri and I

It’s possible Siri and I may not get along. Our relationship just started today and we’ve already had an argument. This is how it ended. I kind of admire its moxie, though.

My Brain Works Differently To Normal People’s

Last night was one of my, all-too-rare, ‘alone in the house’ nights. Wife and children off visiting family. Ah, bliss. Relaxing, calm, quiet— BUMP! What the crap? A noise, a palpable noise, from somewhere in the house. It was relatively loud; certainly the sound of something large shifting or falling. Into the kitchen. Nothing there. […]

The Rewards of Minor Vigilantism

Very nice neighbours (those who were burgled last night) were incredibly, and unnecessarily, kind – earlier today, they dropped by with a bottle of wine and a box of posh chocolates as a way of saying ‘thank you’ for my Charles Bronson-like acts of bravery (see post below). Wife just sent daughter up to ask […]

The word ‘hero’ is thrown around a lot…

I’ve been chasing burglars. Literally. This evening, around 7:15, I was working in my attic eerie when I hear a sound like a bottle breaking. I also hear the sound of a, seemingly distant, house alarm.  This latter is not an unusual event so my brain pretty much ignored it.  I did get up from […]

Achy Breaky Head

That’s my skull, that is. Not really, of course.  If it were my skull, it’d have a frickin’ crack in it. If it were my skull, it’d have a fracture in the left occipital bone to the occipital condyle.  In non-medical terms, this means it would hurt.  A lot. Somehow, I managed to crack my […]

Immolation, anyone?

I’m more than a little frightened. For the last two days, there has been a mysterious, glowing yellow orb in the sky (a sky which was a weird blue colour, by the way). This unfamiliar golden orb shines and burns and, to be honest, terrifies. The only course is to sacrifice something in order to […]

My belly feels funny

How many mini-muffins do you think equal one regular muffin? How many mini-muffins do you think would be too much to eat in one sitting?

Too damn quiet

I know.  I haven’t been posting much lately.  There’s no real reason other than the fact that I didn’t really have anything to say.  What can I do?  I’m not going to start posting stuff that’s even more bland and dull than the usual shite just to have something to post.  This dedication to the, […]

There are few things worse than a warm pan

Sitting on a public toilet seat that has been pre-warmed by someone else is an unpleasant experience. For me anyway. I’m unable to make-believe that nobody has ever used the toilet before me. The evidence is there, in all its alien warmth. Worse even than this though, is seeing the person that warmed it exit […]

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Gerry Hayes

Gerry Hayes

I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and deride my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.

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    • Trying out @theTunnelBear so I can browse privately from my ISP. https://t.co/wPwjxzOreO https://t.co/u2V2dv1uCb
    • Proper scientists tell us the most pissed off you get, the more you want to eat all the cakes. Christ, I want cake.
    • Everybody finds Caravaggios but me. Where's my bloody Caravaggio? Lost 'Caravaggio' painting found in French attic https://t.co/llKg3GO7d0
    • No, honestly… I’m not an arsehole. https://t.co/PyGE2lPIXp
    • Go help @Herring1967 disrupt industries and smash systems at https://t.co/4OY0YVcT6C. What an age we live in. Go. Now.
    • I find Tattoo Fixers utterly compelling viewing.
    • Peppa Pig’s vile Animal Caste System continues to disgust me. Condemn this mammal-centric regime! https://t.co/y6uwAMfV2A
    • Frequently wonder what the point of democracy is. Looking forward to the day I can seize power and oversee my Mostly Benevolent Dictatorship
    • Dude… Check it out. I totally swiped his helmet. https://t.co/2PSi0XwqNn
    • I’ve been watching this Disclosure movie. This “virtual reality” thing seems to be the future. I may invest.
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