Stare Into Space

Lard-ass

I am on a diet.  Really.  Having to buy a new suit so I could get tarted up for a wedding a week or so ago was the final straw.  I have declared War On Tubbiness.  The paunch must go before it gets to that critical mass where I’m just to damn lazy to do […]

I’ve got the painters in

I mean literally.  It’s not a euphemism for brooding gloomily and snapping grumpily at all around just because I’m feeling a bit poorly.  Just get on with it ladies.  Christ, you’d think you’d be used to it at this stage.  Stop growling and scowling at me and get on with it.  If you feel you […]

Unclean

I fear I may be getting a cold. I blame my wife.  Or daughter.  I stay here at home, safe, sheltered while they’re both out in the world, ‘interacting’ with people – people with germs.  What am I to do?  I’ve tried putting one of those anti-bacterial gel dispenser things inside the front door, like […]

Sly

As part of a captive audience at Disneyland Paris, we had limited choice when it came to eating.  This limitation is what found me dining in Planet Hollywood. I’d never eaten in Planet Hollywood before but was relatively sure of what to expect. Mediocre food and loads of movie tat on the walls I thought […]

In which I, mostly, name vegetables.

The character Beenfeeld, that I’m writing for Resonance FM’s Whale In The Room play, is like me in many ways.  One of these, in an odd fortuity, is that he is now growing his own vegetables.  We both have a fine, nascent crop of foodstuffs on the go. I started this veg lark only in […]

Just frickin’ weird

Last night, I had an odd dream. I was Telly Savalas. You know, Kojak. Wait, it gets weirder… I, as Telly, was going to meet the Pope. The actual Pope. The Big Catholic Cheese. In the Vatican, a cardinal (possibly, my knowledge of the upper echelons of the Catholic hierarchy is limited) asked me to […]

Meet the parents

Breakfast at my parent’s house.  I think I fancy a boiled egg and some toast. Then I remember… A few months back, the small pot, the one that was perfect for boiling an egg, disappeared.  “Oh that’s gone” was the response I got when I asked.  No elaboration.  How can a pot just be gone?  […]

I can stop any time I like

Perhaps foolishly, I bought my wife a Nintendo DS thing for Christmas.  Since then, she’s been getting pretty full-on with the whole Nintendo thing but she was, at least, keeping it under control.  Then, last night, I did a favour for a friend and, in return, he gave me a cartridge thingie with a shit-load […]

Par-rump-a-pum-pum

Time once again to celebrate the feast of the Christus, or the birth of Cliff Richard, or whatever it is that forces us to spend daft money on daft gifts for daft friends and relatives.  I’m planning the traditional Christmas of gorging myself on carbohydrates and dead birds (and the flesh of miscellaneous other animals), […]

Efficiency

Two loads of washing wedged tightly into the machine.  Who says men can’t do housework? In your face, naysayers.  I’ve just doubled my productivity.  Ha! I’m off to hoover the dishes.

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Gerry Hayes

Gerry Hayes

I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and deride my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.

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