Stare Into Space

Dear God, I Am A Runner

About a year ago, when I had to trudge to the shops on the night before a friend’s wedding in order to buy a new suit that would fit around my waist, I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror and realised that I’d become morbidly tubby. This was a far from […]

Damn, I’m Deep*

A heart-shaped balloon blew into my yard. Partially deflated and struggling against a ribbon and plastic weight, it flailed and twisted in the wind. I watched through the window for a bit before cutting the ribbon. Then, I watched it float away. Until it was gone. *I’m exactly like that intense, pot-head, stalker kid in […]

Curse You, Johnny Depp’s Beard

Look at him. Handsome bastard. Perhaps you’ll get all swoony and weak at the knees. Perhaps your little heart will beat more quickly in your swelling bosom. Perhaps secret parts of you are getting a tad muggy just contemplating his deep eyes, his chiselled features, his oooh-look-at-my-hair-it’s-all-unkempt-and-boyish hair, his patchy beard. His patchy beard. Although […]

Summer, Summer, Summertime…

…To quote master songwriters, DJ Jazzy Jeff and the freshest of Fresh Princes. I am desperately trying to get things back on an even keel again. Many events have conspired – in furtive, secret and conspiring ways – to prevent me doing much of the things that I like, and should be, doing. I haven’t […]

Old Acquaintance

Out with the old, in with the new. It’s New Year. A time for parties and resolutions and bloody Jools Holland.  A time for review-of-the-year shows and for drunks telling you that next year will be better for them. A time for bells ringing and people singing. A time of fireworks and pipers and a […]

The Day After Christmas

It is the day after Christmas and I’m in a bit of a weird mood. I suspect one of two things: My spleen has secreted excess humour – a black bile if you will – that has brought on a bout of melancholia. I’m getting fed up with the Christmas experience of staying at my […]

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year…

…Not really, of course.  It’s just Christmas. That being the case however, it seems traditional to offer some sort of Yuletide greeting to people – even weird, internet strangers who, more than likely, are reading this naked, smeared in goose-fat while performing strange, unsavoury acts with Toblerones and turkey-basters. So then, filthy internet-people, have yourselves […]

All Change

As you may have noticed, if you’ve visited before, I have changed things considerably around here.  Out is the old, grungy look and in is clean and crisp.  It’s this season’s hottest new thing.  Probably. Truth be told, I got pretty fed up with the old look ages ago but just didn’t get around to […]


I am no longer a young man.  I’ve been aware of this for some time but it is occasionally driven home to me. Like now. Two beery nights and I’m a floppy, husk of a man.  Two nights with too little sleep and too much beer and I look like the long-dead corpse of a […]


I have lost weight.  The paunch is gone and, while I’m no ripped, six-packed, hunk, I am, at least, no longer a podgy hunk.  I accomplished this feat through my Astonishing Weight-Loss System which is basically not eating so much shit and not drinking so much beer.  I wonder if I could pad it out […]

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Gerry Hayes

Gerry Hayes

I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and deride my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.

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