Stare Into Space

Column: I Sat Through That? – Castaway

Yeah, yeah, it’s got Tom Hanks in it – doesn’t mean it can’t be bad.  Look at The Da Vinci Code.  Hanks is fine in a Hanksy sort of way – he’s fat, he’s thin, he’s beardy, he’s clean-shaven, he’s the man of a thousand faces and bellies.  Castaway is still a bit pants though. […]

I Sat Through That? – Meet The Parents

Possibly a controversial one this week as, for reasons utterly unfathomable to me, many people seem to think Meet The Parents is frickin’, head-falling-off, hilarious. It’s not. This week’s I Sat Through That is now available.

I Sat Through That? – I, Robot

I, Robot?  No beer?  That’s not a recipe for a good evening.  Unless you like complaining, that is.  Guilty. In this week’s I Sat Through That? I consider I, Robot.  You know the one.  Yeah, the one with all the ads in it.  It’s got that Will Smith in it.  Yeah, him.  The ‘welcome to […]

I Sat Through That?

I Sat Through That? #2, in which I consider X Files: I Want To Believe, is now available over at Flickering Myth. It has spoilers, though.  Don’t read it if you intend to watch the film to its, wholly ridiculous, denouement. I can use words like ‘denouement’ now that I’m a big-shot critic.  In fact, […]

It’s easy to criticise…

…And fun too. I’ve begun writing a column over at Flickering Myth. “What?” you ask, “a column?  What’s this, Hayes?  You think you’re some sort of hot-shot, Giles Coren-type character now?  Think you’re too good for the rest of us?” The answer to these questions is, an emphatic, yes… yes I do. And, being honest, […]

You damn kids

Well, my CBBC thing has been pummelled and kicked into something resembling a script shape.  It’s in the envelope and will be away in the morning. Definitely an interesting experience writing for 8 to 12 year olds.  So many things to consider.  So many pitfalls.  Plenty of other bloggy people have very kindly posted their […]

In which I, mostly, name vegetables.

The character Beenfeeld, that I’m writing for Resonance FM’s Whale In The Room play, is like me in many ways.  One of these, in an odd fortuity, is that he is now growing his own vegetables.  We both have a fine, nascent crop of foodstuffs on the go. I started this veg lark only in […]

In which I receive good news…

…About a slightly odd writing gig. Resonance FM are putting together a new radio play called The Whale In The Room.  Nothing odd about that, you say.  Well, if I told you that the script for this play was to comprise entirely of the Twitter status updates from six different people, you might begin to […]

BBC Writing Workshop

I was too tired and lazy to write anything about this yesterday but, if you’ll remember, I was in London for a couple of days to attend a writing workshop with the Beeb. Looking back, the whole thing’s just a whirlwind of planes, dodgy hotels, writing and ladyboy escorts.  I turned up at the Beeb […]

Helen’s update

I’m only posting because Helen insisted I update my blog.  Who does she think she is with her bloggy demands?  She reads and reads and reads but never comments.  Are you happy now, Helen?  Are you happy to have me dance to your whims?  Dance, monkey, dance. In non-Helen related news, I’m all packed for […]

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Gerry Hayes

Gerry Hayes

I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and deride my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.

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    • Proper scientists tell us the most pissed off you get, the more you want to eat all the cakes. Christ, I want cake.
    • Everybody finds Caravaggios but me. Where's my bloody Caravaggio? Lost 'Caravaggio' painting found in French attic
    • No, honestly… I’m not an arsehole.
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    • I find Tattoo Fixers utterly compelling viewing.
    • Peppa Pig’s vile Animal Caste System continues to disgust me. Condemn this mammal-centric regime!
    • Frequently wonder what the point of democracy is. Looking forward to the day I can seize power and oversee my Mostly Benevolent Dictatorship
    • Dude… Check it out. I totally swiped his helmet.
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