My Brain Works Differently To Normal People’s
Posted on | October 15, 2011 | 5 Comments
Last night was one of my, all-too-rare, ‘alone in the house’ nights. Wife and children off visiting family.
Ah, bliss. Relaxing, calm, quiet—
BUMP!
What the crap? A noise, a palpable noise, from somewhere in the house. It was relatively loud; certainly the sound of something large shifting or falling.
Into the kitchen. Nothing there.
I decided, if I was to investigate this potential house-invasion of burglars, kidnappers or grey-aliens, I should not be defenceless.
Into the drawers.
Rummage, rummage.
What do I come up with? What do I wield as a weapon as I search the rest of the (hopefully) empty house?
A small LED flashlight.
I figured it could serve as a makeshift knuckle-duster should I need to punch a Grey in his stupid, big-eyed, face.
It’s worth noting that, in choosing this weapon, I looked at, considered, and ultimately eschewed a number of large and sharp kitchen knives in favour of three-and-a-half inches of flimsy, cylindrical metal.
My reason for not going with big, sharp, knives?
Too clichéd.
Stupid brain.
Never did find the source of the noise. You can be damn sure I slept with that flashlight on the bedside table, though.
Comments
Gerry Hayes
I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and deride my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.
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Honestly, though, what good has a knife ever done anyone in that sort of situation? You’re just as likely to cut yourself as you are any potential threat, and if they wrest it away from you? You’re a goner! On the other hand, they’d never even suspect any harm from an LED flashlight, and if they thought you meant it as a form of a self-defense, they might even be stunned enough (or if you’re really lucky, fall into an uncontrollable fit of laughter) for a moment for you to overtake them. I think it was a wise choice.
I have a hockey stick my young second cousin found on the street. Though hopefully the dog shows her mettle if the occasion arises.
See, Elizabeth, you’ve reasoned this out and come up with a sensible and considered solution. I just thought I’d look like Shelley Duvall in The Shining.
Ellie: Ice hockey or regular hockey?
Regular
Pity. The ice-hockey one would have looked funnier, I think.