Stare Into Space

Siri and I

It’s possible Siri and I may not get along. Our relationship just started today and we’ve already had an argument. This is how it ended. I kind of admire its moxie, though.

Film: Tyrannosaur

A year or two back, I saw Paddy Considine’s short film Dog Altogether and was lucky enough to attend a Q&A with Considine afterwards. He mentioned at the time that he hoped to expand the short into a feature-length film and that we was working towards that. Well, Dog Altogether was a brilliant piece of [...]

My Brain Works Differently To Normal People’s

Last night was one of my, all-too-rare, ‘alone in the house’ nights. Wife and children off visiting family. Ah, bliss. Relaxing, calm, quiet— BUMP! What the crap? A noise, a palpable noise, from somewhere in the house. It was relatively loud; certainly the sound of something large shifting or falling. Into the kitchen. Nothing there. [...]

The Ague

I am unwell. I am afflicted with Ghastly Belly Fever. This is as bad as it sounds. Worse in fact. I am as weak as a, particularly pale and wan, Georgian fop, with barely strength to lift a lace handkerchief. Had I the energy, I would beat my sickly and frail body with fists of [...]

Gerry Hayes

Gerry Hayes

I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and debase my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.

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    • Personally, I like awards shows but then I've always been interested in lists of people and organisations to which celebrities are grateful.
    • When I am President For Life, anyone putting 'fancy' toppings on their pancakes will be shipped to toil ironically in the Jif Lemon mines.
    • Jesus would have been pleased to see all Twitter come together through the pancake, the foodstuff Satan tried to tempt him with.
    • And don't give me any of that savoury crêpe hoo-ha. Anything more than a squirt of Jif Lemon is unmanly.
    • Pancakes: one of the very few foods that can't be improved by the addition of chilli.
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