Stare Into Space » I sat through that

I Sat Through That? King Kong

Gerry Hayes — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:59:17 +0000

Peter, bloody, Jackson and his bloody interminable, CGI-filled epics. After taking up an entire day of my life with those annoying little Hobbit bastards, he then nicks another portion of it with this: King Kong.

“Pah!” I say, “Pah!”

I Sat Through That? – King Kong.

I Sat Through That – What’s wrong with X-Men

Gerry Hayes — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:56:32 +0000

What’s wrong with X-Men? That must be a good Scrabble score. If I can work in ‘quixotic’ I’ll have this game wrapped up.

But I digress. Having been subjected to a month or more of X-Men films on most of the eighty channels my TV receives, it’s dawned on me why they’re shit.

Wanna know my thoughts?

I Sat Through That? – Two For The Price Of One

Gerry Hayes — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:04:13 +0000

I didn’t update last week – for good reasons that I won’t go into here. However, last Monday’s I Sat Through That? had already been submitted before last week and, as things got back to something resembling normality this weekend, I submitted this week’s column too. You therefore get two updates here today. Whoop-de-doo, eh?

Last week: Mission Impossible: 2 – John Woo’s slow-motion steamer. Doves? Doves? What?

This week: Quantum Of Solace in which Daniel Craig desperately, frantically, tries to hold it together under enormous directorial and script pressures to suck.

I Sat Through That – 88 Minutes

Gerry Hayes — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 11:55:44 +0000

An absolute masterclass in how not to write a screenplay. Everything about it is bad. If you’re a writer, watch 88 minutes and make sure you never do anything like it.

It is that bad.

88 Minutes. It really is bad.

I Sat Through That? – Deep Impact

Gerry Hayes — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:33:17 +0000

No, not Armageddon, the other one. You know, the one with Morgan Freeman as president. I wonder did they want to see his birth certificate. In reality, if Morgan Freeman were president and was trying to save the earth from a catastrophic cosmic impact capable of destroying all life, the streets would be full of protesting Republicans decrying his efforts and calling him green or red or pinko – but not black, never black, they don’t mention the war. In reality, they’d be doing everything to thwart his efforts to save the planet from its fiery fate and saying things like “Well they tried saving the planet in Europe and I heard that, now, they have to go before a Death Panel if they have a toothache and that they’re forcibly impregnated just so they can be made to have abortions – even the men. Naw, we don’t want no pinko planet-saving ’round here.”

Fucking morons.

Anyway, enough of contemporary problems. Relive some misery from ten years ago instead. Deep Impact.

I Sat Through That? – The Break-Up

Gerry Hayes — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 19:53:16 +0000

I’m not certain why this film affects me so profoundly but it certainly moves something deep within me. I get angry; really, really angry just by thinking about it. This film and all of its sullen, bleak baggage upsets the hell out of me and not in a snuffly, Old Yeller, something in my eye, sort of way. This is a Feel-Bad Movie. I’d like to encase it in concrete and sink it to the bottom of the ocean.

Begone, The Break-Up. Begone with all of your unfunny, ridiculous, petty, animosity. Begone, I say!

I Sat Through That? – The Lord Of The Rings

Gerry Hayes — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 06:13:21 +0000

Really.

I am courting controversy. I am sacred cow-tipping – sneaking up on it as it sleeps the long, drowsy sleep of the utterly bored and giving it a ruddy good shove. The cow will emit a torpid, barely audible moo before falling on its bloated, special-edition, extended arse where it will sit lazily without even attempting to get up.

The Lord Of The Rings: corpulent, lethargic, slow-moving, sacred cow. You don’t get that time back, you know. So much precious, precious time (no Golum comparisons intended).

I Sat Through That? – The Lord Of The Rings

I Sat Through That? – M. Night Shyamalan

Gerry Hayes — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 09:48:45 +0000

I could have taken the lazy way out and written a column on each of three Shyamalan films for the next three weeks but, instead, I’ve done a triple-header. So, pop over for a. longer than usual, column of Shyamalan bashing – specifically, The Happening, Signs and The Village.

I Sat Through That? – M. Night Shyamalan.

Incidentally, it seems that my fingers believe there to be an extra ‘P’ in the word ‘triple’. Every time I type it, I always put in an extra P – it comes out as tripple and I have to backspace to correct it. I may have to write to the Merriam-Webster people.

I Sat Through That? – Unbreakable

Gerry Hayes — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 10:33:09 +0000

I am rather abashed that there is nothing between the post informing you of this week’s column and last week’s post informing you of the, then current, column. I was having a rainy holiday in the Galway area though so that’s my excuse. Not that I need to make excuses to the likes of you.

Anyway, I digress. This week, over at Flickering Myth, I take an in-depth look at M. Night Shyamalan’s Unbreakable and deconstruct it carefully and at length. Obviously, by that, I mean I just whinge and bleat about it being a bit shit. Such is the way of things.

So, I Sat Through That? – Unbreakable.

I Sat Through That? – Planet Of The Apes

Gerry Hayes — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 06:02:57 +0000

New column available over on Flickering Myth. This week, Planet Of The Apes. Not the original, the one where Charlton Heston’s a dead, duplicitous, right-wing monkey with a gun as opposed to – oh, never mind.

I Sat Through That? – Planet Of The Apes