I’ve got the painters in
I mean literally. It’s not a euphemism for brooding gloomily and snapping grumpily at all around just because I’m feeling a bit poorly. Just get on with it ladies. Christ, you’d think you’d be used to it at this stage. Stop growling and scowling at me and get on with it. If you feel you [...]
Unclean
I fear I may be getting a cold.
I blame my wife. Or daughter. I stay here at home, safe, sheltered while they’re both out in the world, ‘interacting’ with people – people with germs. What am I to do? I’ve tried putting one of those anti-bacterial gel dispenser things inside the front door, like in [...]
Sly
As part of a captive audience at Disneyland Paris, we had limited choice when it came to eating. This limitation is what found me dining in Planet Hollywood.
I’d never eaten in Planet Hollywood before but was relatively sure of what to expect. Mediocre food and loads of movie tat on the walls I thought and [...]
In which I, mostly, name vegetables.
The character Beenfeeld, that I’m writing for Resonance FM’s Whale In The Room play, is like me in many ways. One of these, in an odd fortuity, is that he is now growing his own vegetables. We both have a fine, nascent crop of foodstuffs on the go.
I started this veg lark only in the [...]
Just frickin’ weird
Last night, I had an odd dream.
I was Telly Savalas. You know, Kojak.
Wait, it gets weirder…
I, as Telly, was going to meet the Pope. The actual Pope. The Big Catholic Cheese.
In the Vatican, a cardinal (possibly, my knowledge of the upper echelons of the Catholic hierarchy is limited) asked me to wait as he went [...]
Meet the parents
Breakfast at my parent’s house. I think I fancy a boiled egg and some toast.
Then I remember…
A few months back, the small pot, the one that was perfect for boiling an egg, disappeared. “Oh that’s gone” was the response I got when I asked. No elaboration. How can a pot just be gone? Why is [...]
I can stop any time I like
Perhaps foolishly, I bought my wife a Nintendo DS thing for Christmas. Since then, she’s been getting pretty full-on with the whole Nintendo thing but she was, at least, keeping it under control. Then, last night, I did a favour for a friend and, in return, he gave me a cartridge thingie with a shit-load [...]
Par-rump-a-pum-pum
Time once again to celebrate the feast of the Christus, or the birth of Cliff Richard, or whatever it is that forces us to spend daft money on daft gifts for daft friends and relatives. I’m planning the traditional Christmas of gorging myself on carbohydrates and dead birds (and the flesh of miscellaneous other animals), [...]
Efficiency
Two loads of washing wedged tightly into the machine. Who says men can’t do housework?
In your face, naysayers. I’ve just doubled my productivity. Ha!
I’m off to hoover the dishes.
Get lost, grandad
Today is my birthday.
There are many cons. Another year, another hole further on my belt. Another few empty follicles closer to glabreity. Another step away from understanding ‘the youth of today’ and what possible rationale they might have for listening to music through the tiny speakers of their mobile phones (last time on the bus: [...]
Gerry Hayes
I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and debase my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.
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