Old Acquaintance
Out with the old, in with the new. It’s New Year. A time for parties and resolutions and bloody Jools Holland. A time for review-of-the-year shows and for drunks telling you that next year will be better for them. A time for bells ringing and people singing. A time of fireworks [...]
The Day After Christmas
It is the day after Christmas and I’m in a bit of a weird mood. I suspect one of two things:
My spleen has secreted excess humour – a black bile if you will – that has brought on a bout of melancholia.
I’m getting fed up with the Christmas experience of staying at my folks.
This leaves [...]
It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year…
…Not really, of course. It’s just Christmas.
That being the case however, it seems traditional to offer some sort of Yuletide greeting to people – even weird, internet strangers who, more than likely, are reading this naked, smeared in goose-fat while performing strange, unsavoury acts with Toblerones and turkey-basters.
So then, filthy internet-people, have yourselves a merry [...]
All Change
As you may have noticed, if you’ve visited before, I have changed things considerably around here. Out is the old, grungy look and in is clean and crisp. It’s this season’s hottest new thing. Probably.
Truth be told, I got pretty fed up with the old look ages ago but just didn’t get around to doing [...]
Middle-aged
I am no longer a young man. I’ve been aware of this for some time but it is occasionally driven home to me.
Like now.
Two beery nights and I’m a floppy, husk of a man. Two nights with too little sleep and too much beer and I look like the long-dead corpse of a wizened nonagenarian [...]
Downside
I have lost weight. The paunch is gone and, while I’m no ripped, six-packed, hunk, I am, at least, no longer a podgy hunk. I accomplished this feat through my Astonishing Weight-Loss System which is basically not eating so much shit and not drinking so much beer. I wonder if I could pad it out [...]
Lard-ass
I am on a diet. Really. Having to buy a new suit so I could get tarted up for a wedding a week or so ago was the final straw. I have declared War On Tubbiness. The paunch must go before it gets to that critical mass where I’m just to damn lazy to do [...]
I’ve got the painters in
I mean literally. It’s not a euphemism for brooding gloomily and snapping grumpily at all around just because I’m feeling a bit poorly. Just get on with it ladies. Christ, you’d think you’d be used to it at this stage. Stop growling and scowling at me and get on with it. If you feel you [...]
Unclean
I fear I may be getting a cold.
I blame my wife. Or daughter. I stay here at home, safe, sheltered while they’re both out in the world, ‘interacting’ with people – people with germs. What am I to do? I’ve tried putting one of those anti-bacterial gel dispenser things inside the front door, like in [...]
Sly
As part of a captive audience at Disneyland Paris, we had limited choice when it came to eating. This limitation is what found me dining in Planet Hollywood.
I’d never eaten in Planet Hollywood before but was relatively sure of what to expect. Mediocre food and loads of movie tat on the walls I thought and [...]
Gerry Hayes
I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occassionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and debase my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.
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